*Wednesday, 18th February 2009*
"Coming out to your parents is not a fun thing to do. By telling them your sexual preferences, you indirectly passed your burden to them."
The "burden" mentioned here refers to the dreadful/disturbing question often hurled by your relatives during festive season... "When are you going to get married ah?"
That was my dear Nivlac's comment to us in the car one fine evening, while we were driving back home with Sinner.
So, how would coming out to your parents, burdened them?
"You might feel free or feel like the burden you carry all these time lifted from your shoulder if you tell your parents and they accept you. But the thing that you don't know is... by telling them, the situation changed."
For example, when Auntie A asked, "When is [insert name here] gonna get married?", your mom would answer, "Don't know him lah.... wait till he get a girlfriend first lah".
Did you notice the hope (the hope that you would really have a nice girlfriend, settle down and have kids) in her reply?
But your mom now would have answered, "He's old enough to decide himself..."
So, by coming out to them, you eventually put their hope for you to a dead end.
For some guys, they don't really care what's the consequences. Those who wanna take control of their lives, of course, would wish that their parents will understand and accept who they really are.
Daemon: If you ask me, I will never come out to my parents. I rather deny or lie to them than telling them the truth. I don't want them to be sad or blaming themselves at their age... that's the least I can do. Although their hope on me to get married one day is impossible, I will do anything it takes to keep that hope.
Jack Jack: I would never tell my parents. I love them and I don't wish to see them sad. It is that simple.
Somehow, I have to admit that I'm agree with Daemon and Jack Jack on this. But of course, that only applies if your parents are conservative.
How about you?
Of Coming Out And Burden
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22 comments:
Yeah I remember Nivlac saying this too while I drove you guys back frm Janvier's birthday party not too long ago and it was yet another revelation to me. I have never thought of the burden being transferred to my parents before and a pang of guilt rushed over me at that time for being selfish in doing so. However I still stand by my decision to come out to my parents no matter what as I can't stand living in a lie and so closeted frm my own loved ones. Indeed it's true that conservative parents esp those Asian ones are extremely tough. I am very blessed indeed that my parents accepted me considering I'm the only son in a Chinese family.
Most of us would wish for our parents not to know. But sometimes we felt bad coz' it seems like we are lying to them for the longest time~ Though some lies are better left as lies. *sigh* this will always be the ever difficult topic~ Gosh! we gays have so many difficult topics! LOL
Nase,
Yes, you're lucky indeed! But it's okay, your parents accepted who you are so there's no need to feel guilty. I'm sure your mom would feel better that you tell her the truth too.
Froggie,
As some people said, "it's better to keep it as lies" :)
ok... why would the parents be sad?
because gay relationship is not a long lasting one? even straight relationships are not long lasting.
parents can be open about it, tell the other keapoh aunties that they will get another son. ^.^
but honestly i do feel that society is more willing to accept gays now. give it a little more time. one step at a time. :D
Trust me, the burden of saying "He's old enough to decide" isn't the main problem for parents. :P
Parents have hopes and expectations for their children, that is all. Being gay dashes their hopes of you marrying a woman, giving them grandchildren and being accepted by society.
Some people feel they have to tell because of responsibility. I'm not so sure - you have to decide for yourself if its practical.
Perhaps if you were an only child, telling them you were gay might dash their hopes and expectations of grandchildren?
I'm wondering if that's why my parents can take it - knowing that there are younger siblings beneath me to give her the satisfaction of grandchildren. :)
Think of it this way, if you find it hard to reveal your sexual preference to your parents, then your parents will find it harder to reveal your sexual preference to their relatives and friends
And why should they bother to tell the relatives and friends? It will be the same as why should you bother to tell your parents. Your parents chasing you to have a gf and get married, and you want to tell them the truth. Same when your relatives chasing your parents when will you get married and have grandchild, and your parents would also want to tell them the truth!!! And that is NOT EASY!!!
Only applies to: Conservative families; Chinese traditional families; single son families.
We would think otherwise, the parents would be okay with it and be able to candidly answer questions of other people too.
Of course, it's also because homosexuality has all these time been smeared as 'shame' so there's that burden too. So, don't ask, don't tell.
waaaah u sure had a long break. Your last post was on 3rd Feb.. ha ha..
I once overheard my "kay poh" aunt asked my mum why I am not married. My mum answered... "its all up to him but as long as he is good to me, I don't care too much." Till this day, I always appreciated my mum though she's no longer around to be pestered by all the busy body relatives.
They know, whether we tell them or not .... especially the Moms. The denial and false hope always exist too, no matter how much we think they accept the situation after we've told them. No parents want their children to grow old alone, without children to care for them. It's their primary instinct to worry. And I believe no one should force the issue to whether to reveal or not, based on their experiences, coz different peeps have own unique situations .... thus requiring different handling.
I'm confident you hold your parent's feelings close to your heart. ^_^
+Ant+
But doesn't JackJack have Incredibles as parents? :)
I was forced to come out, but my choice was of course getting everything hush hush.
But during this CNY, my mum just keep quiet when my relatives asked that questions... so oklah...
I believe it's mostly about:
1) SHAME - parents feel ashamed and they worry that you will be shamed
2) MYTHS - parents worry that you will grow old alone (without a family), and worry about diseases and your well-being.... mostly due to poor understanding and myths about homosexuality
3) BLAME - sometimes parents felt the wrong way that they have failed in bringing you up "correctly".
One can somehow mitigate BLAME and MYTH, but the worst is when parents blame themselves. What if your parent are already too old to handle the truth?
I have always thought that I will come out to my parents when I can show them I can be just as happy as (or happier) with someone who loves me too (but so far no chance la!), but I am worried that they will blame themselves. Old people - you don't know what goes on in their minds.
But yes I agree with Sindy that all these are merely BURDEN transferred to our poor old parents who the last thing in their mind during their old age is to feel ashamed, worry unnecessarily, and blame themselves.
For us, perhaps we will be somewhat be relieved of the burden, but our parents may not necessarily be relieved of the burden that easily. Are we being selfish?
If it takes you years and years to find yourself, accept yourself and be comfortable with who you are, how long and easy do you think your parents will be able to adjust to these?
Haiyu! so many things to consider. How? How?
Are you considering coming clean to your parents??
Nivlac: I don't like the word "preference" - as if to mean that I like women too but just that I prefer men. Choi! Choi! :p Never liked women sexually! So it was never a preference in the first place.
OMG! This is like a post liao! Ish! I shud have blogged about this earlier. I'll just link my (empty) post to yours la.... kakakaka!
Oh goodness Sinner...
out of sight, out of mind.
though they've seen my closet and the amount of stuff i have. lol
My answer is if you can have a relationship with your partner and your privacy is not being intruded, then no need to come out.
Always remember that we are living in a homophobic nation. I came out 3 yars ago and my dad and brother till today don't speak to me. They say I have brought shame to the family. They even asked me not to let our relatives know or else I will be disowned. Mum just kept quiet. So not sure if she approves or disapproves.
SLP,
We won't know what the elders have in their mind. I always think that parents who accepted the fact are cool.
Ban,
Unfortunately, your feeling of responsibility - parents do not understand that.
Sam,
Maybe it's true.
Nivlac,
Yes dear, that's correct.
Janvier,
So you'll tell if they asks?
Rusty,
So nice of her. You must have missed her much.
Anton,
Hey, that's sweet of you, thanks. :)
Savante,
Jack Jack's parents are still hoping that he will get married one day.
Alex,
Erm... I don't think it's okay lor. Imagine the stuff she has in mind when the relatives hurl the questions that time...
D&D,
Hahahaha... cannot link! You should do a post on this too :P
But yeah, I think the most important two points here are Shame and Myth. Myth can be overcome, but not Shame, I guess.
Adique,
That doesn't mean they ignore it...
Leggie,
Then how about the responsibility as mentioned by Bunny?
Anonymous,
Sigh, poor thing. Hope you can cope with the situation.
what they dont knw wont hurt them i suppose. and, i think intuitively, our parents know what is our sexual preference esp mothers.
Telling did not make me feel better. Telling did not lighten my burden. But tell anyway.
Ethan,
Not all mothers know I think. My ex's mom doesn't know even though I appeared so frequently at their home, even took part in their celebrations, until he told her.
William,
*sigh
I'm 18. I'm the only son, and the only child. Oh God Oh God Oh God.......
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